In Defence of Charlie Adam

The Diary of a Welsh Spurs Vet Series by Philip Rowlands

30.11.13

I was just enjoying the effects of my morning medication while basking in the euphoria of our 3-0 win against Stoke when my iPhone rang.

“Heard about Paulinhio?” inquired my friend Gerry anxiously.

"No,” I replied, a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, “have Real Madrid made a bid for him?”

“Worse,” said Gerry, “he’s been nobbled by *!*!ing Charlie Adam!”

“Him what did our Gareth? When did that happen?”

“During the match yesterday, we must have missed it.”

I recalled the incident with the Wintergreen at half time and the resultant excessive watering of the eyes.

“We missed most of the bloody second half!” I said bitterly. “Someone ought to tell that Lennon lad not to run around so fast, he must know there’s pensioners in the crowd.”

* (For full details see GOOD JOB DANIEL, WE FORGIVE YOU)

“The South Wales Supporters Group have asked me to form a possee.” Gerry informed me. “You in Rowlys?”

“Bad connection!” I replied and hastily turned off my iPhone.

I had been involved in one of Gerry’s possee’s before. It had not ended well. Vinnie Jones proved a tougher nut to crack then either of us imagined. When that photo of him and Gazza started doing the rounds Gerry and I both know exactly what Gazza had gone through – at least no one took a photo of us! Besides, perhaps poor old Charlie was a man more sinned against than sinning. I decided to quickly examine the facts before Gerry came round and swore me in.

If I was Charlie’s barrister what defence could I muster?

• Mitigating Circumstance Number 1: He’s Scottish.

Let me make one thing clear, this is not a racist assault on my Celtic cousins who have provided the Football/Premier League with many sublime footballers such as Jim Baxter, Dennis Law, Alan Gilzean and the peerless Dave Mackay to name but a few. No, this argument is based upon geography not nationality. We all know that Scotland has many high mountains aptly named ‘The Highlands’. Back in the late 60’s Dougal MacDougal, a full back with one of the lesser known Highland clubs was recommended to a local team in the Welsh League. They duly signed Dougal for what was in those days a princely sum, his train ticket from Edinburgh. Unfortunately for both parties the venture proved a dismal failure. Dougal would blunder around the field mouthing incoherent obscenities whilst kicking anyone foolish enough to stray into his path. He inflicted more injuries upon his team-mates than the opposition did. Spectators observed that his behaviour resembled that of man who has imbibed excessive amounts of alcohol in a very short space of time. Dougal vehemently denied the charges. Highland air is apparently thin in oxygen, he explained, and the effect of oxygen-rich lowland air had a catastrophic effect upon his brain.

Could this not explain the seemingly deranged antics of the aforementioned Charlie Adam? It is certainly a point worth pondering before we rush to judgement.

• Mitigating Circumstance Number 2: Mel Gibson

Every country has its heroes. Wales, for example, has Tom Jones. Ireland has Dana and England boasts Sir Cliff. Unfortunately Scotland’s heroes tend to have more aggressive tendencies. When Mel Gibson inspired the Scottish nation to repel Edward’s English army they probably thought it a good idea to record it on video for the benefit of future generations. As far as I am aware ‘Braveheart’ is the only home movie ever to get a Hollywood premiere. I would not be surprised if an excessively patriotic Charlie watched the footage before each game. Being an impressionable young man this might explain his tendency to attack anything wearing white shirts. Someone should tell him that most of the people he kicks aren’t even English. Mel Gibson has a lot to answer for.

• Mitigating Circumstance Number 3: The Manager

The manager has to take a lot of responsibility. Some players need more precise instructions than, “Go get him Charlie”. Perhaps a little note with directions on it would have been of great benefit. If I was Charlie’s manager I would advise him to at least wait until the ball is in the same half of the field before kicking someone. Not that the FA appear to be too concerned about this particular principle.

Invest in a permanent marker for goodness sake! This would save poor Charlie from having to rummage about in his pocket for the instructions if they were written on the back of his hand instead.

Is it young Charlie’s fault that nobody has taken him under their wing?

• Mitigating Circumstance Number 4: Young English Players

Has anyone not yet realised that footballers of Charlie’s ilk are a blessing in disguise for the future of England’s national team. While everyone in the Team England set up is bemoaning the lack of opportunities for young English talent Charlie is almost single-handedly engaged on a mission to remove talented foreign players (particularly Welsh) from our shores. This obviously creates more opportunities for home grown talent. (Young Daniel Levy immediately sprung to mind.) Instead of being vilified Charlie should be given some kind of award. If England win the World Cup in the next 20 years then they will be deeply indebted to the likes of Charlie Adam not only for helping to unearth new talent but also by significantly reducing the ranks of the opposition.

As I reviewed my case for the defence with growing confidence Gerry arrived grim faced and determined.

“Perhaps the lad isn’t as bad as he’s painted.” I suggested mildly waving the notes I had made under Gerry’s nose.

Gerry ignored them completely and handed me his iPhone. Video footage of the tackle was being replayed in a loop on YouTube. I watched it a few times then leapt to my feet.

“What are we waiting for? Let’s go get the dirty ‘so and so’” I cried, aflame with righteous indignation.

Gerry didn’t move.

“No need to bother,” he said smiling, “Sandro’s already on the case. Sit down and finish your Horlicks.”

To be honest it’s a bit of a relief – that Ryan Shawcross is a big bugger!

© e-Spurs 2013 All rights reserved no part of this document or this website may be reproduced without consent of e-Spurs

Share on Google Plus